The second of the revisions for my story

 

So, basically what I did was differently from “The love I never got” Story was, I added some news scenes revolving around the mean boyfriend of the lead female character to show just how arrogant he is. That way he plays a bigger role in the story than we know.

This is from the second paragraph:

I remembered the day I first met Allison. It was orientation day in late August, three years earlier. At the time, I still had a slight stammer since I was nervous, but nothing like the stutter that had plagued me through junior high.  Like most people who suffer through junior high, I was a little insecure. I had a good job and a few good friends like Jesse and Lawrence; We spent a lot of time playing video games together and role-playing games. I would also spend time at Barnes and Noble reading books about Astronomy and galaxies since I was always curious about them. These were the type of things that Thomas Storm would characterize as nerdy and dull.

What he would do with Allison is Usually take her to the Eden Prairie mall and go shopping around almost all the stores he fancied the most like Old Navy, or JC Penny, or even the DSW shoe store. While Allison liked visiting these stores, she was more into looking for Perfume at like Ultra Beauty or even the Sephora section at JC Penny. Every time, she would show Thomas some fragrances she found promising, like Gucci Flora, only to have him comment. “Gosh, I don’t know my love, it looks a little too pink and sour. How about I get you this Obsession fragment instead? It’s smooth, it’s orange, and it will not make your skin deteriorate.”

Now Allison had been dating Thomas for almost two years, and she knew that he was never really concerned about how products looked or smelled. She knew there was more to that then Thomas told her because almost every time she chose some product that was nice and pricy, Thomas would select a different one.

  

This was becoming annoying for Allison, and several times she wanted to stand up to him. But was afraid of what the consequences would be if she did. So, Allison just went with flow and stayed close to Thomas like a magnet toy train set. After all she did get to do something she loved and with someone close.      

Here is another scene towards the end. It’s basically a car chase scene:

In return for my heroic actions, my boss decided to let me go home early. With that, I took the elevator down to the first floor and said goodbye to my friend Lewy. But as I walked out of the building, a voice called out from behind. It was Allison!  I stood up with as straight a face as I could muster and fidgeted with the keys in my pocket to keep myself calm. “Hey Adam,” she said “That was a very brave thing you did back there at the cafeteria. I’ve never seen someone save another person’s life before”. I of course replied with a cheerful voice, “Oh, it was nothing.” Allison then asked “Nothing? Are you kidding, it was noble and selfless? I just wish Thomas was like you. He doesn’t even stop for pedestrians crossing the street.” I then cried “What, not even for those people?” “No, God I sometimes wondered why I even bothered putting up with that turd!” Just by hearing all this rotten talk about Thomas, I felt like their relationship was collapsing. Ever since I heard Allison hang up the phone on Thomas the other day, I just felt like asking, if they were still a couple. She answered, “Oh, no, we’re definitely done. I know he’s not the guy for me.” I took in a deep breath and stared at Allison for a minute while she smiled and stared right back at me.

After a minute or so, Allison, said “Well, I better get back to the office, so, bye.” I of course said bye as well. Then as we started walking in opposite directions, some part of me said. “Well, come on dummy, ask her out on a date already.” With that, I turned around and said, “Hey Allison.” Allison turned around and asked, “Yes, Adam.” Taking a deep breath, I said, “I was wondering, do you, um. Do you want to see a movie with me Friday night?” Allison answered, “Well, I would Adam. But I’m visiting my Grandmother in the hospital that night.” I then replied, “Okay.” Then as I walked towards my Kona, Allison called out to me. “Wait, Adam. How about Saturday night?” I replied “Sure, Saturday works for me.” I then asked, “Seven-thirty?” and she answered, “How about six-thirty?” “Yeah, I could do six-thirty.” “Then it’s decided.” Allison answered. 

  

But as I drove along the highway, a white Ferrari drove up from a few feet behind me. Little did I know that the Ferrari’s owner was none other than Allison’s ex, Thomas Storm. He apparently heard about my conversation with Allison back there and was stocking me. 

Trying to avoid the man, I quickly switched lanes and drove at a higher speed, while Thomas followed behind.

Maneuver after maneuver came, but Thomas still managed to keep up. I knew I was going to have to shake this guy off if I was to avoid him, then it occurred to me. “If I can stay in this lane, I may be able, to switch at the last minute and enter on the 494 and Thomas won’t be able to follow me with that highway barrier.” Sticking to the plan, I stayed on the 169 highway for a good amount of time. Then, as I came closer to the junction, I said to myself, “Wait for it, wait for it, Now!” I swiftly turned to the street leading to the 494, while cutting off a mini-van. Thomas tried following me, but as he drifted to the right, his car scratched along the barrier, causing him to shift attention off road. Then as looked ahead, he saw another car enter the 169 a few feet in front of him, causing him to turn to the right send his Ferrari into a pond in between the enter and exit junctions.

  

I was relieved. No more Thomas to ruin my plans with Allison. But as I drove off on the 494 highway, Thomas from a few miles away, smirked, “Enjoy your victory and glory, while you have it, pretty boy!”